


The Better Version of Me

by GertieCraign



Series: My Dean Calls Me 'Brother' [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst and Feels, Best Friends, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt, Headcanon, M/M, Mutual Pining, No One Else Dies In This Fic, Our Cas Is In One of Them, Our Cas is with the Winchesters in This Universe, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, References to Major Character Death - Canon, Regret, Sad, Season/Series 12, Tags for Parallel Universe Fics are Really Hard, The Rift Opened Alternate Parallel Universes, This Series has a Happy Ending, This Universe's Cas Died on the Beach in Washington, if I did it right, what might have been
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 02:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11095035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GertieCraign/pseuds/GertieCraign
Summary: Cas has always loved Dean. In this universe, Dean loves him back.Soon, Cas will have to go through the rift to try to get back where he belongs. Back to his family.Which means he'll have to leave this version of Dean...in a universe where Castiel died on a beach by a lake.Neither of them wants to let go.





	The Better Version of Me

 

 

“I used to see you there.” Dean’s voice broke the stillness in their bedroom.

Cas looked up, startled by the sound. He quickly lowered his phone and turned it off, plunging the room back into almost total darkness. “I don’t understand...”

“That week you were, uh...gone. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, just like this, and I didn’t feel you next to me. So I’d look over at that chair and you’d be there.” Dean wriggled into a more comfortable position on his side. He put his arm under his head so he could look at Cas more easily. “And you weren’t see through or shimmery. You weren’t a ghost or some kinda weird projection. It was really you. You even talked to me sometimes.”

Cas grinned and leaned forward, letting his elbows rest on his knees. “What did I say?”

“Eh...ya know...simple shit. Talked about Sam and Eileen coming to visit again before the baby’s due. What weird bulbs you wanna plant in the fall and whether you’ll be able to talk Bill into special orderin’ ‘em for ya. What type of gun you wanna try target practice with next.” Dean sniffed and cleared his throat. “You were gettin’ pretty good, by the way.”

“Were,” Cas said softly.

“Hmm?” Dean mumbled. He’d let his eyes drift closed again and was resting his head on the crook of his arm.

“You said, ‘were.’”

Dean hesitated for a long moment. “Yeah,” he finally whispered. They were both quiet. Cas fidgeted, slowly turning the phone in his hand like he was spinning his blade. Dean watched him in the very dim starlight coming through the window.

“You thought any more about stayin’?” Dean asked. He was trying to sound casual. Cas could clearly hear the desperation beneath his words, and it gutted him, just as it had every time Dean had brought it up over the last two months.

Cas looked up at him, and then let his gaze drift back out the window at his side. “You mean other than every spare moment I have to think?”

Dean sighed. “Yeah,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Slipping the phone into his pocket, Cas stood and walked to the side of the bed. Dean automatically slid away from the edge, so he’d have room to sit. Cas took the hint. He was amazed how easy this was. How quickly he’d acclimated to this level of intimacy with his friend. He decided to go further with the movement and reached out to take hold of Dean’s hand. The man eagerly complied, and let his other hand drape over Cas’s knee, gripping and massaging the back of the joint and the lower thigh. Cas smiled and let his other hand rest on Dean’s forearm.

“You know...I think the toughest thing for me to get is how that guy can be me, but he doesn’t love you.” Dean brought their joined hands to his mouth and kissed Cas’s knuckles. “I mean...you’re sayin’ we basically had the exact same timeline...that I was exactly the same guy, all the way to the point that God brought you back, right after Sam jumped in the cage.”

“Our timelines appear to have diverged at that point, yes.”

“Right. So, that’s what I don’t get. I already wanted you by then. And then you got Sam out and we got his soul back. That only took a couple weeks. What the hell happened to me? Did I take a blow to the head that you couldn’t fix? Or get hexed with a ‘stupid’ spell? How did I just walk away from that? From you? Did I just freak out and turn into a dick?”

Cas snorted and pat his friend’s arm. “It wasn’t you, Dean. We were faced with very different events from that point forward. You and I didn’t have any time to spend together after I was resurrected.”

“Why? What could I have possibly been doing that I didn’t have time for you?”

“You were with Lisa and Ben.”

“Yeah, for like a week.”

“No,” Cas corrected. “You were with them for a year.”

“I stayed with them? What was Sam doin’?”

Cas sighed. The sadness in his face was mostly hidden by the darkness, but Dean could still hear it in his voice. “As I said...things were very different. The danger of the apocalypse wasn’t over in my universe. I had to do some things...things I would never...things I didn’t want to do.”

“Ok...I get that. But it still doesn’t explain why we weren’t fightin’ whatever it was together? What the hell was I doin’ that was so freakin’ important that I didn’t help you?”

Cas looked at him, fully able to see his friend’s face in the dark. He saw the hurt and the anger. The frustration that things had gone so badly in that other universe. And in true Dean Winchester fashion, he was beginning to take on the guilt of perceived mistakes made by an entirely different version of himself. Cas reached up and cupped Dean’s face with his hand. He leaned down and kissed his forehead. Letting go of Dean’s hand, he curled his arm around the man, pulling him into an embrace as he kissed his temple, his cheek, his ear.

“There is nothing that I want more than to go back to that point in time and do it over again. To have you by my side, helping me to make the decisions. I needed you, Dean. I was too foolish...too arrogant to see it then and I tried to do it alone.”

“Why would…”

Cas moved to face him and hushed him with a kiss. “It’s too much to explain, but even moreso…” He swallowed and pressed his forehead to Dean’s. “The way you look at me now…” He kissed him again. “If you knew everything I’ve done… You wouldn’t look at me that way anymore. And I don’t think I’m strong enough to bear it.”

Again, Dean tried to protest, but Cas cut him off.

“Please,” he whispered. “You said you wanted to give me a gift for our anniversary.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. His voice was rough to match the tears beginning to dampen his cheeks.

“Give me this. Let me be the version of me that you loved. The one that didn’t destroy what you felt for him. He’s the version that could even remotely deserve you, Dean. Please let me be him for just a little longer.”

“Cas, there isn’t anything you could’ve done that w- ”

“I love you, Dean. I always have and I always will.”

“Cas- ”

“I love you.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
